Hollow Earth

Demands for Open Uru


With “Spring” only some varying number of months away (depending on your optimism), I thought now might be a good time to start a list of all the things which must happen with Open Uru.

1. Someone must create an Age with toilets. This should be self-explanatory. Figure it must be called Dunny for a reason, right?

2. Someone must create an Age filled with machine guns which shoot nothing but rose petals and candy. No one would mention this feature. Instead, Uru is billed as a next-generation fantasy first person shooter. New players to “Uru: Blood” get charged a $25 monthly fee and are locked into a three year deal. Meanwhile the regular players get regular checks.

3. We must put the face of an Uru character on more pieces of merchandise than that of President Obama. People have put his likeness on everything now from plates and coins, to swiss army knives and underwear. Sure, we’ve had Myst ballcaps and Uru t-shirts, but the point of merchandise is to be as tacky and disturbing as possible. To remedy this, Dr. Watson’s likeness will be made into a cake mold.

4. There must be at least one Age made of solid gold engraved with the cure for cancer. If an Age like this isn’t made, Open Uru will be a horrible failure and Rand will be personally responsible for a kindergarten class in Spokane crying itself to sleep.

5. There must be at least one Age made up of a flat plane covered in poorly-textured cubes. This Age must have the contrast in lighting of Second Life. It must also crash every player who links into it. After all, what will our other Age writers aspire to?

6. The community must have at least one fight. Preferably one where someone gets banned and the reason somehow involves the statement “Payiferen’s sand is ‘light pumpkin.'” Without such a pointless battle, honestly, how will we be entertained?

7. Someone must use “The ending has not yet been written” another million times. Seriously, folks, this cow can still be milked for some more optimistic glory, why should we try looking for a new slogan?

8. We must have people constantly berate the community’s optimism. Because, apparently, after nearly two years of not listening to any criticism, the solution is to listen to every half-thought-out idea that you, your friends, and your dog have come up with for making Uru a success.

9. The community must never allow any changes which violate the sacred core of Uru. No idea should be even considered if it means doing something different or interesting. Cyan gave us Uru so we could lock her up in her bedroom and keep her safe, not let her into some dirty park where she could get mud on her lace.

10. And lastly, the community must acknowledge that Uru can never, ever, be a success. We must because “real” fans of Cyan say we must. After all, they loved the original Myst games so they must know what they’re talking about, right? And they’re being so complex, they’re either geniuses or my broker. Yes, yes, Uru will be the greatest if we just put in an expensive fee system, port it to everyone’s favorite platform, and buy shares in Citigroup. Thanks to the massive incompetance of two teams of developers with years of experience in the field and the utter foolishness of both a well-established game publisher and a game distributor who belonged to one of the largest media conglomerates in history, Uru was a horrible commercial failure. Nevermind any inconvienient possibilities that might have occurred, this community would be better off it they just bowed before these prophets of the pellets and listened to their every word.

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Filed under: Uru Community

2 Responses

  1. Tomala says:

    Hear hear brother!!!! Praise Rand and the holy ways of Cyantology! So glad you have seen the light sir.

  2. Dr CrisGer says:

    W, your humor is fun but your attack on the concern of many to keep URU and MOUL high quality is an old tired horse, and i hope that you can just relax and enjoy the return to the Cavern and the journey onwards with all of us who love the game, admire and appreciate Cyan and dont need another bunch of slacker negativity to create static. Enjoy the good we have and leave the carping to those who already to it too well and too much.

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All posts are my opinion only and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of others.
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